May 15, 1999
Dear Dave B.,
This letter is in response to your recent column about the Beach Boys, in which you - it pains us to repeat it - referred to the accordion as "an appliance, like a toaster oven."
As members of the charter chapter of Accordions Anonymous, we must protest this casual comparison. It's comments like yours that have driven accordionists such as ourselves to the brink of despair -- forcing us to retreat to the shadows of the musical world, inhibiting our ability to expand and breathe as creative, melodic beings! You should be ashamed.
Thankfully, there is a place where accordionists can go, where they can be free from the constant taunting of a hostile society. Where they are spared the incessant abuse of accordion jokes ("what do you call an accordion that's thrown into a dumpster on top of a pile of old Dave Barry columns?" -- "Perfect pitch!"). And where they can come to terms with their addiction in a supportive and nurturing atmosphere.
That place is Accordions Anonymous. That place is us. And despite vicious and thoughtless attacks from the likes of YOU, Dave B., we are working the 12 Steps to Accordion Awareness, taking One Squeeze at a Time, Thinking the Tune Through.
Your throwaway comment in your recent column caused such consternation among our membership, we were forced to call an emergency meeting. After making a searching and fearless musical inventory of ourselves, after a moment of quite communion (bellows breathing only) with our matron saint, Our Lady of Spain -- we decided that a response was required, if we are to continue in our progress along the path of musical recovery.
Therefore, as the AA Seventh Step advises us -- we have included your name among the names of all listeners we have offended, and with this letter, want to make it clear that we are willing to make amends. IT is our firm belief that we can accomplish this within the directives of the Eight Step, namely, without inflicting injury to you or others.
To that end, we propose, Dave B., that you join us at one of our upcoming Accordions Anonymous meetings. A schedule of meetings is enclosed for your convenience. It is our firm belief that, after hearing the personal testimonials of our members - their bellows-shaking trials and tribulations as accordion addicts in today's hostile society - you will learn a new compassion for the fate of accordion addicts everywhere. Maybe then you will reserve your critical comments for inanimate objects, like boogers and toilets. Finally, most importantly, we hope you will come to see that far from being the equivalent of a mere toast factory, or even simply a glitzy and utterly gorgeous human-powered machine - the accordion is a living breathing force for goodness and harmony in this crazy unmelodic world.
One of the first things we learn here at AA about our addiction is that when we willingly participate in what is commonly referred to in AA circles as "accordion slams," we are practicing personal denial. One of our members, Robin E., who has traveled far along the 12-step path, believes that there is an accordionist inside each and every one of us, waiting to break free and breathe! It is her assertion that the crass comment in your Beach Boys column - not to mention your misguided forays into opera and rock guitar - are in truth just thinly veiled expressions of your desire to pick up a Stomach Steinway and join us, a dozen accordions strong, in a killer rendition of "Good Vibrations."
Now, be honest: this is striking a major chord with you, isn't it?
Here at Accordions Anonymous, we believe in progress, not perfection. Just like us, YOU have the power to become a better YOU. When it comes to your accordiophobia, Dave B., we believe it's high time you faced the music. Take that First Step. Join us for a meeting. We guarantee, what you play here, stays here. And remember, just by coming, you're more than half-way there.
Yours in musicality,
Accordions Anonymous in Eugene, Oregon
Shelley W
and 11 co-signers
Click HERE for Dave Barry's Response...
